Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
