you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize