the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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