I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
