the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
