My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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