She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
