I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
