We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
