I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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