Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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