If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize