I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
