all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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