I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
