The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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