He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
