I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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