We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
