I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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