Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize