you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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