I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
