He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize