I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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