I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The struggles of a small town man whore
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize