Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
