I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
