So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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