Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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