Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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