Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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