i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
