Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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