there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
