You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
