my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize