so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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