I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
