He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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