I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
