im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
