Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
