I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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