I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Randomize
