Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
