I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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