Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
