I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
