oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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