It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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