Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
