Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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