I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
