How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
it's like iHOP with fire
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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