i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
