So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
